How learning counselling skills is making our writer notice congruence everywhere . . .
Louis Theroux was at his Gonzo best at the turn of the millennium. You’d stick on BBC2 and find him dressed like Stephen Malkmus, schlepping around Nevadan brothels and being body slammed by amateur wrestlers. Nowadays he’s a podcast destination for celebrities on the promo trail. Perfect for soundtracking journeys.
I’ve just boarded a flight to Brussels to see my favourite Floridorian troubadour Christopher Owens perform at the city’s Le Botanique venue. ‘Not Ed Sheeran’ I mutter, mentally whilst finding something to listen to. Theroux and Sheeran will do, I decide.
The interview starts as a safe space for Ed to be humble. We learn Ed’s wife works in sustainability so Ed flies RyanAir. Louis points out that Ed could afford a private jet. “Yeah but it’s not about that”, says Ed.
The conversation meanders. Ed says he’s too famous to go out but will visit Trafalgar Square and comply with every fan request. He says he has four billion streams, “…but not as many as Baby Shark”. “That seems rather a lot”, deadpans Louis.
The friendly chatter and white noise of the airplane conspire to make me want to sleep. But then an offhand comment pulls me into the person centred counselling skills training I’ve been undergoing for the past year.
Having completed my Level three with eleven other students, I’ve two more years before hopefully qualifying as a therapist. It’s been a year of deep reflection and learning about Carl Rogers’ principles of congruence, empathy and unconditional positive regard.
Rogers’ guiding principle is that when these core conditions are present, real psychological growth becomes possible. Not by fixing someone. But by walking alongside them as they move toward the most authentic, fulfilled version of themselves. Or what Rogers calls ‘self-actualisation.’
Studying person centred therapy can make you realise how much of who you are is conditioned. And how maladaptive behaviours can develop in response to an unease with your conditioned self.
Not speaking your truth – or being incongruent – in order to maintain approval, avoid conflict, or fit into roles you didn’t consciously choose, is an example of maladaptive behaviour. Over time, this disconnect can chip away at your sense of self, until the lines between performance and the authentic self become blurred.
Back to the podcast. Louis is well liked but often accused of being ‘faux naive’, in his deployment of a disarmingly innocent tone to extrapolate emotional grave digging from interviewees.
When Louis tries to subtly pull the rug on Ed, I’m reminded of my own congruent quest and counselling learnings.
Ed name drops a friend who has an amazing vinyl room. A man called Elton.
“Elton John?” asks Louis with a seemingly innocent rising cadence.
“Do you know another Elton?” Ed bats back, subtly but firmly suggesting that Louis’ questioning of his humility – is both misplaced and unwelcome.
‘Ed is congruent!’ I exclaim, in my brain.
Since beginning my training, I’m beginning to regularly notice such displays of congruence.
By replying “Do you know another Elton?” Ed congruently, yet non confrontationally implies: “Louis. I don’t appreciate you inferring I’m a name dropping maniac – using first names for status. I used Elton John’s first name as he’s the only Elton we both know. The only Elton anyone knows.”
He’s right. Aside from retired sports presenter Elton Welsby. Elton John is the only Elton.
The exchange reminds me of how maintaining congruence leads to healthier interactions.
By remaining authentic and pulling Louis up, Ed retained his genuineness, or congruence and legislated against any possible regret.
I’m finding as I develop increased congruence much of my previously held frustrations about things people may have said to me are now at myself for not congruently addressing them at the time.
Simple shows of self respect and strength are hard to display, as we often fear what’s on the other side of that – awkwardness or loss of connection perhaps. But worse is the loss of connection with yourself.
Being congruent isn’t about being rude, abrasive or antagonistic. Simple, subtle displays such as this can help preserve psychological safety and keep exchanges healthy.