Wax On Water – Going Through The Emotions

Coping with severe depression is the hardest thing I’ve overcome.

What are you listening to, reading and watching at the moment?

Well I’m most definitely watching the Football at the moment. I love the World Cup and with the added bonus that England is actually performing well – I hope they’re still in by the time you’re reading this… it’s making it compelling viewing. Usually I binge watch boxsets or Horror movies otherwise.

I listen to a great range of different music – for indie-pop, I like Christine & The Queens at the moment, I think her lyrics and delivery is unique and interesting. I’ve found so little new rock music recently, so I’m delving into a lot of early German Electronica/Industrial music (Can/Kraftwerk etc) and classic songwriting as I’m just about to start writing my second album and I’m thinking about song structure.

I’ve just started reading Madeline Albright’s book ‘Fascism’ – about seeing the signs in society when fascism is on the rise. In light of what is going on across the globe politically, it feels particularly poignant…

What has been your biggest life challenge so far and what did you do to overcome it?

Coping with severe depression is the hardest thing I’ve overcome. I went through a period of about two years of daily wading through a thick soup of emptiness and apathy. This was the complete opposite of my normal character, as I’m actually pretty optimistic and totally driven to try new things.

What shocked me about my depression is that it was changing who I was as a person.

I didn’t go on anti-depressants at that time (recently I have) but St Johns Wort and exercise definitely helped. A ‘game’ I developed when the depression was at it’s worst also helped. I would make myself name five things around me while walking, that were beautiful or interesting. That way I could coax myself into seeing that there are things worthwhile in the world, despite the fact that I felt like I didn’t want to go on most days.

Meditating was really crucial and writing my first album was key to my recovery – channelling negative thoughts into writing was cathartic. I knew I wanted to write something turned ugly depressive thoughts into something beautiful or memorable. That’s why I describe the ‘Procession’ album as ‘the sound of a soul crawling out of a tar pit’.

For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

My brain, which is somewhat contradictory as it’s also my brain that can make me the most miserable and wretched!

When I’m flowing with creativity, I love my brain and the things it comes up with – it makes the world an amazing place for me. But for every up there has to be a down…and when it’s down, it’s really down. Ultimately, having suffered from depression on and off throughout my life I very much think of a good day in the same way that the Greek philosopher Epicurus defined the word pleasure. He said ‘true pleasure is the absence of pain’. Freedom from pain (mental or otherwise) is the thing I am always most grateful for.

What would constitute a ‘perfect’ day for you?

I would be out and about and laughing with friends and then being creative through music or writing later on. Also, I love to travel and see new cultures – it expands the sense of self and is inspiring.

Complete this sentence: “Ace mental health for me means…”

Retaining my sense of humour.

When I can’t laugh at things and suddenly everything is upsetting to me – that’s when I know that I’m heading to the dark side. Recognising that is important because if I can see that in myself. This way, I can put in place my coping techniques and support system before things go too far.

What do you eat to stay healthy?

I’m eating oily fish (sushi is a weakness) as it improves the brain (as well as skin and joints). I love vegetables but hate fruit, so I eat lots of vegetables and try not to eat too many carbs. At the depths of one of my depressive episodes, I had read that eating a small potato before bed helps (something to do with the tryptophan release over the blood-brain barrier I think?) – it did help actually.

I only have coffee once in a blue moon as it makes me anxious. I’m also very aware of ‘sugar feelings’ – heightened feelings of upset after eating too much sugar. So I don’t eat that much sugar but there’s nothing wrong with some chocolate now and then!

Do you have a daily routine of exercise or do you make it up as you go along?

Oh god, it’s my downfall, I just hate exercising. I need to change that attitude because staring at a computer all day is not good for health! I like walking – that’s exercise, isn’t it?

Exercise definitely helps when you’re depressed, so I tend to exercise more when I’m in a bad way mentally.

Here at The Mind Map we remember playing football and ‘tag’ – running around the playground every day and loving it – can you share a similar memory?

I used to be the ring leader that made up the games for me and my friends to play. Most of them were based on films that I’d seen. I loved the Carry On movies that my grandma had shown to me. The classic British sense of humour was just so silly and brilliant. My favourite was the horror one with Oddbod. I adapted that into a good game where I became the gothic queen. I guess nothing really changes.

What three songs lift your spirits?

Sweet Home Alabama – Lynyrd Skynyrd
Witchita Lineman – Glen Campbell
I’ve Got the World on a String – Frank Sinatra

What is your favourite self-help book, or motivational quote?

I guess the classic Winston Churchill quote ‘If you’re going through hell, keep going’ seems to be the appropriate and inspiring.

What advice do you offer to friends when they are feeling overwhelmed?

Focus on your breathing – meditate as much as you can, it does help.

And take every day as it comes and if that’s too much, live moment by moment and know that it will pass.

Listen to new album Procession here.